On July 1 my beloved husband underwent his 8th surgery in the 9 years of our marriage -- Spinal Fusion of L-4, L-5 and S-1. I had sworn I would never allow him to go through surgery yet again, but the nerve pain down his leg was so intensely excruciating that he was not able to stand, sit or walk. So, I sat in the waiting room, summoning angels to surround him with protection and powerful healing, and then brought him home to recuperate. A dear sister sent me these words from Bill Bullock during this time:
Those with no understanding of the Creator's ways rail against the darkness, curse the storm, and act out in outrage; those who know the Great Redeemer and Restorer stay quietly at work, blazing a trail through the mayhem.
These inspired words spoke powerfully to me. Here I am, Lord, "blazing a trial through the mayhem." I had rejoiced greatly when the doctor referred John to a Rehab Hospital where I hoped and prayed he would stay for the full 14 days of therapies and nursing help, to regain his strength and mobility and be healed. I had hoped also for a much-needed break from the stress and strain of 24/7 care-giving, and a respite from the terrible sounds of pain-groaning that had filled the house for days on end. But my John rebels against hospitals and refuses to be where I am not. After two days the Director of Nursing called and asked me to come get him because they were spending all their time chasing him down to prevent him from going down the elevator and out the door!
I've lost track of time but John has been back home from Rehab for a little over a week now. Last night, through another troubled night of intense pain, flailing and hallucinating in the bed, I moved him quietly to the sofa in the living room, stretched out his nerve-wracked leg, and put on beautiful worship music. His favorite song, "You Are My Hiding Place," was playing. Then I heard John's whisper-thin voice singing, "Whenever I am afraid, I will trust in You, I will trust in You, let the weak say I am strong in the strength of the Lord" and suddenly I just felt so much deep love and compassion over this son of Israel, this man God brought to me to be my husband, for richer or for poorer, in sickness and in health till HE parts us.
I wondered if that would be this night. I listened for every breath throughout the night and my eyes fluttered open at every sound he made. I took his blood pressure and it was 216/93 so I gently asked him, though already knowing the answer, if he wanted to go to the hospital. He emphatically whispered, "NO." So, I stayed the rest of the night sitting in the little rocker across from him, praying in the Spirit and singing with the worship. Sometimes John's weak voice would sing a verse or two with me, right in the midst of his pain. I saw him worship God from the depths of his struggle - just as I had seen him ten years ago when we met at the conference in Tennessee, and he was on his knees in front of me, singing to God with tear-stained face.
We know the great Redeemer and Restorer. We are blazing a trail through the mayhem. And what I know is that the end of the trail is GLORY.
Kelly Ferrari Mills