I do not like winter. The windows are frost-covered and I can't see out. The thermometer reads 12 degrees. Snow is piled high on sidewalks and streets and I wake early to have some moments of quiet before John gets up and the muscles in my shoulders arc into knots.
Still reading in the Waymaker book, I come to a paragraph I could have written myself. It is searingly convicting. She writes, "Name your pain, name the way you try to make your pain go away, and name your addiction. Name your default direction. Name the way you turn for comfort and name your Egypt that looks like ease." And so I'm naming my "addiction." It's called Zillow! Or Realtor.com! It's hours and hours of looking at houses online and imagining that one could be mine - my place of comfort, my way to escape this dementia prison. I've been doing it every day for nearly a year - ever since I so foolishly thought I could act on it, long before it was time. And even though there is clearly no sin in looking at houses for sale and dreaming a little, how many hours did it steal from my time with the Lord? Voskamp, author of Waymaker, writes, "The only way through is to find the curve and bend of our own hearts and bend the knee to a realer and better love." I hope this makes you laugh: I honestly misread the word "realer" (is that a real word?) and thought it said "bend the knee to a REALTOR!" When I realized my mistake I definitely laughed out loud! And I prayed, "Father, You have such amazing, creative ways to lay bare our idols and reveal to us our wrong turns. In essence I've been bowing my knee to a virtual realtor, trying to find my place of comfort, my Egypt. I've been begging You, Lord, to show me where I can find a "new chapter" of my stalled life - and You remain silent - because You're not ready yet to turn the page!" Ann Voskamp says, "at the heart of all addictions is a broken attachment that left a broken heart." It's so true. I do have a broken attachment with my husband, who is still physically here but no longer present in mind. On Valentine's Day in years past, he would have burst through the front door, grinning from ear to ear as he handed me a dozen beautiful roses. And it always touched me that he made that more important than his birthday - which is Valentine's Day! I hear the chirping of the sparrow couple at their little log house on my front porch. They too got very confused and lost all direction when the January weather became strangely, unusually warm. I noticed them in the nest, cleaning out last year's mess of feathers and twigs, and then I saw that Mama Sparrow was SITTING in the house! But today it's a 12-degree February winter chill and I wonder what she's going through. Are there eggs in there that will freeze? Did she spend too much time on Zillow and get ahead of God like I did? The thing I must do now is stop longing and seeking for a new house, a new chapter, and begin again to seek the One who writes the story, who quiets the pain, who makes me to find the comfort I need right here in this little yellow house He so generously and miraculously bestowed on me almost 18 years ago. 18! That's the number of Life! My Father wants me to have life and have it abundantly, right here where I am - cozy, safe, warm. No more bending the knee to a realtor!
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Do you remember those verses in the book of Job where God puts Job in his place and basically tells him, "Brace yourself like a man; I will question you and you shall answer me" ? Job 38:3, 40:7
Well, I guess that's what the Lord did with me a couple of days ago. I was in my bed, spending time in prayer, and asking God a lot of questions. They are questions I've probably been asking Him over and over, and without realizing it I probably haven't been getting still long enough to LISTEN to what He has to say! So, I think He dealt with me much as He dealt with His servant Job, because I heard His Voice say to me, "Ask me what MY questions are!" I grabbed my journal and then stilled my mind so that no thoughts of my own would creep in. First, a verse from the book of Psalms came into my mind and I understood the message Abba was trying to get across to me: "BE STILL AND KNOW THAT I AM GOD." (Psalms 46:10) The firm but loving voice went on: "YOU be quiet and listen and I shall speak. I will ask the questions and you will give Me the answers. In finding the answers to MY questions, you will get answers to your own." I remained silent. I cleared my mind of all its buzzing and imagining. When He was ready, the Spirit spoke, and these are the questions I heard and wrote down: 1. Do you want to be in your family or MY family? 2. Do you know what time it is? 3. Do you want to be in Your will or MY will? 4. What song are you singing in the impeded stream? Question 1 was simple and straightforward for me. I know that even now the LORD is separating out a Remnant of His own, those who are choosing to live a set-apart life; those who choose His way of life rather than the world's way. Separation is hard, Lord, but I want to be in YOUR family! Without any doubt! Question 2 was not that hard either. The hour is late and the time of Messiah's return is soon. I have been given this long season of quiet so that I will stay in the Word and cause it to be firmly etched into my heart. Question 3 was the easiest of all. I WANT TO BE IN YOUR WILL, FATHER! And I have been asking you all these questions because I want to be unequivocally certain that I do not step OUTSIDE of Your will, chasing my own dreams in the flesh. I know that Your will for me may not be what I wanted; but it will always be what You know I needed. Then there was Question 4. What song am I singing while I wait in this impeded stream? It came to me after these two days of being still and listening. It is a song I wrote many years ago and His question caused me to remember that I've been singing this song in the shower when I'm trying to pull myself out of frustration or impatience. I'm going to paste the audio file for this song at the bottom. It's a song probably not unlike one David might have sung as he ran and hid from his oppressors. Here are the words to the song "O God I Love to Praise You." O God I love to praise You, O God I love to praise You! And always will I praise You because of who You are. And not for what You give me, though everything You give me, Yet always will I praise You because of who You are. You are Lord, You are God, You are mighty! My Redeemer, my Bright Morning Star! Adonai Elohim, You are holy! And I praise You because of who You are! It's a good song when you are in the waiting place, don't you think? Praise breaks the bonds; it chases the enemy and all his taunts and fear-mongering. Praising God just for WHO HE IS - proclaiming His might and His holiness over your life lifts you above the drudgery and casts off the angst. I hope I passed His test! I know that it refocused me to stop asking questions and start listening in the stillness. I set aside the Martha-laundry and sat quietly like Mary, at His feet. And finally, this is what I heard: "I have John in My hands. He is mine. And in the caregiving you are stretching and growing and learning what worship REALLY is - presenting yourself, your soul and body, as a living sacrifice unto Me." (Romans 12:1) Then came an incredible confirmation of all this through a beautiful and tender email from a woman named Katrina in the U.K. whom I do not know. She became aware of this little blog and resonated with it as she too cares 24/7 for her husband. She wrote to me, "Most often our Heavenly Papa wants us to serve Him in drudgery, with an uplifted heart and face to Him, because that's the only way we can truly die to self. We are a photograph developing - in the dark room of development - and we will see the whole picture soon. But here we just serve time developing in His image." Precious! I hope all these words - and this song of my heart - bring you blessing. |
AuthorKelly Ferrari Mills SubscribeArchives
May 2024
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