Song of Sighs

Once again I marvel at how long it has been since I've written on this blog! Time seems to be accelerating greatly. When I awoke this past Wednesday I glanced at the calendar and it was astonishing to me to realize that it was exactly one year since John's death. How could an entire year have gone by? Memories of those last four anguished days in the hospice facility came flooding over me; yet then I realized what I needed to do to mark this one year anniversary of my husband's promotion to glory. 

I have shared on this blog about the leading I have felt to answer God's call to begin the work of an End of Life doula. Holy Spirit had made it clear I was not to step forward into this until one year had passed. That means it is time! I had already printed business cards and rack cards to distribute to local hospices, memory care facilities and nursing homes. Now it was time to distribute them and really offer myself to this work. As I stepped into my car, I felt a sense of fear rising.  It was as if a subtle voice was cautioning me, "You're not ready and you're not capable of doing this. Turn around and go back into the house and forget all this." It was true. I felt somewhat afraid of putting these cards out there, my confidence fading.  But I chose to ignore the voice and drove on.

I'm so glad that the first place I went was the wonderful hospice where John took his last breath. The social worker who had come to our home during John's last two months met me and threw his arms around me in a sweet, jovial hug. "Kelly!" he exclaimed, "I saw John's name on my computer this morning and knew it was the first anniversary of his passing. I'm so glad to see you!"  I handed him the cards and he stopped to read them all the way through, then put his hand on my shoulder and with great joy he stated, "You were chosen for this, to minister God's love to the dying. You are needed!"

I climbed back into my car, and I prayed to the Father, confessing, "I don't know why I don't have my usual confidence and self-assurance. This work seems too big for me and I don't know if I can do it." His kind voice responded to me, "Moses didn't have any confidence either. He told me to find somebody else! Gideon had no confidence. He told me he was the smallest and most insignificant of his family. Remember that I don't call the equipped. I equip the called. Now go and distribute the cards and trust Me." 

It was an empowering answer!  I visited several other facilities before stopping to see a good friend on my way home. She was in my dementia support group and her husband passed away last April. Our bond of walking this long, wearying road together is strong.  She made me a cup of tea and then handed me a yellow envelope with several printed pages inside. All she said was, "This is for you."  

This morning I opened the envelope while I was drinking my morning coffee. I was not really prepared for the intense beauty, solace, and power this gift brought to me! It is a small manuscript entitled "Song of Sighs," written by Susannah Spurgeon, wife of the great and timeless preacher, C.H. Spurgeon. She wrote this amazing paper upon his death, and it contained so much insight and healing of sorrow and grief, that my heart just exploded with the impartation of the Holy Spirit and the clear answers God was giving me!  Susannah wrote of a time when God had greatly consoled her in her grief, and she said, "I received constant testimony to the fact that, in a very remarkable way, God was using the experience He had given me as a balm and cordial to heal and soothe others of His bereaved children; and none but myself can tell how precious was this knowledge to my aching heart. He Himself has done it! The Lord gave and the Lord has taken away; blessed be the Name of the Lord. Is our dear Master to hear only sobs and sighs, and see only tears and sorrow, when he asks for His own beloved ones back again, that they may be with Him, and behold His glory? Nay, truly, for all His will is love."   

On November 5 a very beloved friend of John's and mine passed away in Ava, Missouri. I was called upon to drive back there and honor him with a memorial service and I was able to spend three precious days with his sorrowful wife. During those days she and I began to explore together the wonder of what our husbands must be experiencing NOW. As our hearts and minds began to focus on the glory, the joy, the unspeakable thrill of being in the very presence of Jesus, our Savior and all His angels, we began to discover anew what Susannah wrote. Her "Song of Sighs" is nine beautiful pages long, but two scripture passages she brought forth will compel me forward to meet God's call. She quotes Paul in Philippians 1:23: "I desire to depart and be with Christ, which is better by far."  And she reminds us of the words that Yeshua/Jesus spoke to His disciples, "If you loved Me, you would rejoice because I go to the Father." (John 14:28) 

These passages will be springing forth in me often now as I endeavor to minister to the dying and the grieving. I hope this blog will minister to YOU if you find yourself sorrowing over great loss. Susannah's closing words were these: "Many such ponderings were in my heart during those sad and sacred days; but the conclusion to them all was this -- that there was no earthly bliss, no ravishing prospect, no precious ties of wedded love, no "best" that this world or its relationships could give, which was not silenced, and surpassed, and beyond measure outweighed - by the blessed fact that to BE WITH CHRIST WAS FAR BETTER!"

May your Thanksgiving holiday be filled with joy and blessings! Mine will be filled with thanks and rejoicing that my husband John, my baby daughter Dena, and my beloved friends Pam and Ray, who died this past year, are with Yeshua - which is far better!

Amen!