It appears as though I did not write one single blog in the month of January. The pages of the calendar turned to a new year, and I fell into a boat adrift in some kind of Sea of No Landing. I didn't land anywhere, I just drifted, pondering what my future might be, and how God might still use me. I had thought I had this all figured out - and maybe I sort of did - but God was holding the timepiece and He hasn't shown it to me yet! 

Many times in my life He has used someone to place a book in my hands at the exact moment that I needed to read it. This happened again last week when the wonderful Dementia mentor who guided me through John's battle with that disease met me and put a book in my hands. I had shared with her that I was not letting go of my dream and vision for my future work, but that my energy is at an all-time low and weariness still keeps my body from running toward my goals. Eleven years of continuous, 24/7 caregiving has definitely taken a toll I did not anticipate; and it has left my heart and mind feeling woefully inadequate. But this book - titled Gradually then Suddenly by Mark Batterson - is helping to explain to me why my boat is adrift with no compass and why I have not bounced right back. 

He writes, "In the age of immediacy, long vision is a lost art. We want success to happen at the speed of light, but success happens at the speed of a seed. Long vision is daring to dream beyond the dash on your tombstone. It takes time and eternity into consideration. Technically speaking, Gradually Then Suddenly took four months to write.  But packed into these pages are thirty three years of blood, sweat, and tears. I didn't know it at the time, but I started writing this book when I was twenty-two. And that's true of whatever dream God has put in your heart."

That spoke to me. Long vision is a lost art. We do live in an age of immediacy and impatience is my worst character flaw. Second would be my unrealistic expectations of myself! "John has been gone a year now," I would say to myself. "Why haven't you forged ahead and why aren't you out there saving the planet?" 

Well, I want to share with you, my longtime friends, that I'm really relieved to be taking a long, deep breath of fresh air now, and giving myself permission to take life more slowly.  I am sleeping more hours, reading more books, and delighting in the birds that are flocking to the new bird feeder I hung by my dining room window. There are house sparrows, chickadees, and American goldfinches. I never knew the species of birds until I took the time to be still and watch and send pictures to my brother-in-law who is an avid bird-watcher! 

All these things have been part of a good learning curve for me. It's most certainly true that anything in our lives that is of great value came over years of gradually learning, practicing, and perfecting the vision, then feeling shocked when God "suddenly" opened the door that made the dream come true! Yet the thing that is sustaining me most right now is in remembering to praise Him, even from my little boat that's puttering around the pond.  One morning about two weeks ago I arose and went to read from my daily devotional. It said: "Your praise is a weapon that has no rival. It rises through your sorrow. It celebrates your victory. It releases strength to you. It causes you to see clearly because it unveils the shadow of disbelief. Praise is courageous! It is joy that flows by faith. It is a declaration of Truth when the enemy hits you with lies. It is a sacrifice of holy abandon. More than money or time or talents, I desire your praise - for in your praise, the Glory descends!"  These words moved me deeply and I got up off the couch and put on some powerful praise music. Once my arms were in the air, my voice was giving honor to my King, and my spirit was one with His, everything else disappeared. Joy bubbled up from the wellspring of my heart and I could feel the Father's love and appreciation. Angels applauded! Energy returned to me! I am so grateful to be reminded of this small, simple thing the Lord asks of us. It truly is a holy sacrifice to stop and praise our Mighty God even when  we don't feel like it, even when our energy is low. Singing to God and giving Him the praise He is due gave my little boat new direction, new hope, and gradually  - then suddenly -  a safe landing!